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The Fear of Bringing a Child Into This World

I’d like to integrate something with everyone here if you’re open for growth.

Recently, as most of you know, Ti and I are expected to have our first little one in March 2021. That said, when my path began to illuminate before my eyes, I became rather pessimistic about the issue of overpopulation. It seemed to me that close to 8 billion people and growing, just isn't sustainable, especially since most of us aren't living in symbiosis with our surroundings. We take so much and what we give back so little.

That all said, there was still something in me that wanted to be a father. A deeper feeling than the pessimist that seemed to dominate my mind space as the vale was beginning to lift.

Once I began meditating, I started having random encounters with children in passing. There was something about these encounters that stuck with me and made me realize that we’re about to usher in a new human onto this planet.

There was one day that me and a friend decided to take some sacred fungus and be in nature at Murphey Candler Park in Dunwoody, Georgia. We didn’t take a big dose, but it was enough to allow us to see things that we normally wouldn't have in our normal state of being. When we were done with the journey, but still feeling the medicine, we began to walk back to the car. When we crossed over the bridge into the parking lot, there was a little boy walking hand and hand with his mom. As we passed him, we made eye contact with this being. He had ancient eyes that seemed to pierce through our souls. He knew what we were doing and it seemed he was proud of us. It felt like an ancient part of the Universe gazing back at us with unlimited love. We stopped and looked at each other after this child passed and asked each other, “did you see that little boy?” at the same time. It was 8-9 years ago and the way he looked at me will forever be with me.

Knowing that there are kids like him in the world gave me a lot of hope. I began to see more and more children that had this timeless depth. I would even speak to them and learn things I never thought I'd learn.

Recently, I’ve been having a really challenging time knowing we’re bringing another human onto this planet. It seems that we are at the beginning of a chaotic time where governments are starting to, or always have been, authoritarian entities telling the people what to do. The economy that is made of imaginary 1’s and 0’s is beginning to crumble right before our very eyes and if we get caught pulling our masks down to our chin for a split second for fresh air while outdoors, they kick us in the teeth with a fine. Some of us have mandatory curfews while big pharma companies are in a race similar to the space race to make the next CV19 cure so we can all be injected with it. Riots and race wars are breaking out. Police are becoming more and more brutal and might knock on our doors at any moment to make sure we are obeying the law.

I know this is heavy, but it's the truth.

Being from the US and having been mistreated by authorities, I still have a certain amount of PTSD from it all. I often wake up from dreams of being watched, gunned down, being told what to do or being thrown back into old jobs that I don't want to do just to “survive”.

Back in 2013, I was a victim of a robbery that sent me into a dark place. I’m grateful for this teacher, but I'm still feeling quite a lot of pain from it. Not from the violent act itself, but rather from what happened a year afterwards in court that still haunts me with guilt and shame.

The kids that robbed me were African American. They held me down at gunpoint and moved me from one room to the other. I was frightened but made it out alive. I was given the tools by the Universe to overcome what was ahead but nothing could ever prepare me for the court case that was to come.

The day I received the subpoena to testify in court, I was living in LA. The letter stated that my presence was mandatory at the hearing and that Douglasville County would pay for my flights, food and hotel while I was there. When I arrived a detective picked me up. He ushered me to my hotel room and there I awaited the next few days to arrive. I stewed in stories of what I was to say during my testimony. I didn't like what was about to happen to these kids. Something just didn't feel right as I began to conjure up my grand speech telling them to ask the kids why they felt the need to do this and how we can give them the tools that they were never given to survive in this white dominated society. I'm sure that if they would have opened up, they would have said that they needed to eat or that they were forced into it by someone taking advantage of them and were perhaps trying to escape a dangerous environment.

The day of my testimony arrived. I was called to the bench and was told to put my hand on the bible and swear to god that I'd tell the truth. I sat down in a sterile environment looking at the kid sitting there that once threatened my life while noticing that he looked kind and just like any other human. He had big brown eyes that were laden with fear of what was to come of the day. I looked in all corners of the room seeing bullet proofed guards with guns. I was frightened.

Instead of telling everyone there that our governments have failed the black community and this is the very reason why this child sits here facing life in jail and that they just wanted another slave to enter into their system so that a corporation can exploit them for cheap labor in a “correctional” facility. Believe me, there is nothing correctional about what was about to happen. Being frightened I'm still ashamed to say that I didn't stand up for them. I decided, out of fear, to tell them what happened to me step by step as I just wanted to be away from that place. I was escorted out after my testimony and I later found out that this 19 year kid was put in jail for life for armed robbery and kidnapping since they moved me from one room to the other.

This is what I am dealing with as my home in the US struggles to recognize that black lives DO matter. I get enraged when I see and hear things about African Americans, Native Americans, Indigenous of of Australia and others beings of different races being mistreated and indoctrinated into the white man's system.

As we await our child to arrive, this has been my struggle. What “authority” will look at my mixed child in judgement? Who will want to stick them with a needle so they can have the privilege that other humans have? What crime will they unknowingly commit? What if they want to explore their consciousness with plant medicines with ceremony and are told that they cannot because the government says they will lock them up if they do? This is where the real PTSD is...

This all said, I'll digress back to the new humans that are to be ushered into this world. I trust that we can't have an intelligent species without an intelligent environment. The Earth has an immune system and I feel as though she's deploying help as we speak through these new generations. But it's not going to be easy for us parents or guardians. We have a duty to protect them from these machine men and there's a certain feeling in the air as I write this. We are long overdue for something big and it's all in the works. At some point, we’ll need to come together and stand up for our freedom and rights to be sovereign humans while on this abundant earth. But it seems we need to rid ourselves of fear.

Perhaps we need to remember that there's a part of us that will never die and when we die, there's someone new that is born and that is also you… Only then will the oppression, abuse, racism and greed start to fade.

Thank you for reading this. It was a heavy thing to post but real testament to how I feel about our current state of the world. I'm ready to live simply with the land, grow my own food, celebrate life in ceremony working with plants and fungus just like our ancestors did not too long ago. I'm ready to be an elder that passes wisdom down to our children so our humans and mother earth can begin to heal up. Yes, I smell something in the air and that smells like a grand awakened revolution.



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